Oh yeah, I pulled it.

Last Week, my friend T suggested a girl's night out to a drag queen show for some cocktails and dancing. Of course I was game because if you can't be yourself around drag queens, then who are you? Plus, I was hoping for some make-up tips. We made it to the club in time for the "official" show and let me tell you, those queens rocked the joint. Anytime I see someone in 5 inch, spiked, stilettos land a back handspring on a 4 foot wide catwalk, I'm inspired and impressed! We grooved out to some great club music and NOBODY bothered us. LOVED IT! Afterwards, we hit the local greasy spoon for some deep fried veggies and rice pudding and then I rolled home about 2AM. Perfect night so far, right?

So I'm coming back from a long anticipated girl's night out and my husband is not home. Not unusual except I had dropped him off at our local "eating" bar about 4.5 hours ago and he said he'd walk home and wait up for me. OK, so I check my cell and there's no message. Mild irritation at this point. I call his cell but don't leave a message because for some reason, he'll usually call me back sooner that way. (I hesitate to say this because now my secret weapon is revealed and won't work anymore). No answer and no immediate call back. Now I'm a little worried. 15 minutes later still no update, I'm feeling anxious...did something happen on his walk home? Did something happen at the bar? Should I drive down there and see what's up? What if I miss him coming home a different way? ETC....

At this point, I have no choice but to pull it...the Wife Card.

I don't consider myself a high maintenance person and I have a hard time with people who are. This excludes very ill people, they are allowed to be complainers and oddly enough, usually they're not. I get hives when I hear women whine; "why isn't he answering his cell phone? I TOLD him to leave it on, what if something's wrong?" Hey, maybe he doesn't WANT to talk to you!!!! Maybe you've cried wolf too many times for him to tolerate another nag fest? I dunno just a thought.

Anyway, I'm forced to call the bar and ask the bartender, "is my husband there? He is wearing a...", Danielle interrupts me to say, "Hi Laura, yeah, Andy's here hold on." My somewhat buzzed husband gets on the phone and slurs, "thorry, hey babe...he he he...I'm leaving now...thorry". At this point I'm feeling a mixture of relief, irritation and amusement. Amusement wins out because now it starts to pour rain and I know my somewhat drunk husband has to slosh home in the storm. Serves him right, making me pull the Wife Card!

I really don't like to pull the Wife Card but I will if backed into a corner. Cuz that's my job. If my man stuck to what he said he would do, I wouldn't have to pull it. Luckily, he's pretty reliable and ya know, sometimes life throws you curve balls: and if you can't adjust your balls, then who are you?

SAY AGAIN?

Friday night Himself and I decided to take advantage of the local bar within walking distance of our home. They pour strong martinis there and have great ventilation so you don't reek of smoke when you leave. (don't worry, I'm not going into the "ban public smoking inside" debate at this time) Jen and Dan graced us with their company and we managed to have quite an enjoyable evening despite the acoustical phenomenon of the blaring juke box. This is something I've never understood: why do the bars crank the music up?

Now don't get me wrong, live bands and dance clubs should be thumpin'. That's the purpose of going to hear a live band and seeking out dance clubs: to feel the music so much your ears bleed. I'm totally down with that. However, when I step out with my man and/or friends, I have this strange desire to want to converse with them without having to scream and stick my sweaty face into their spittle in order to hear them. Restaurants that crank up the volume baffle me even more.

Now I realize that not everybody shares my viewpoints. Shocking, but true. So I thought I'd take an informal poll of my fellow bar patrons. Here are the results:

Me, "Hi there"
Male bar patron, "Hey"
Me, "May I ask you something?"
Mbp, "Pardon me?"
Me, " DO YOU THINK THE MUSIC IS TOO LOUD?"
Mbp, "YEAH THE MUSIC IS LOUD!"
Me, "Do you think it's TOO loud?"
Mbp, "WHAT?"
Me, "SHOULD THEY TURN IT DOWN?"
Mbp,"AM I FROM THIS TOWN?"
Me, "THANK YOU."



Me, "I'm taking a survey, how's the sound level?"
Female bar patron, "WHAT?"
Me, "I'M TAKING A SURVEY, HOW'S THE SOUND LEVEL?"
Fbp, (lips are moving but all I hear is HEAD LIKE A HOLE..BLACK AS YOUR SOUL....etc")
Me, "WHAT?"
Fbp, " THE BATHROOM'S ON GROUNDLEVEL, OVER BY THE JUKEBOX ".
ME, "OK, THANKS"

HEY! Maybe the barmaids had noisy intestinal distress.......but on a regular basis?? All over town? Is breathing second hand smoke causing embarassing gurgles? hmmm...more research needed.....

I wanna be a hoe

About 3 years ago, my friend Cricket and I volunteered to tend a community Adopt A Spot. We started out strong but kinda lost steam around August. The next year we thought we'd try again, only to fail miserably by June. So when my friend Tamara suggested that a group of 6 gals sign up for a spot this year, I had my reservations. However, it's been a rainy summer and with the number of people involved, it's turned out quite well except for one thing: our name.

In 2003, Cricket and I had originally requested that our placard read, "this Adopt A Spot maintained by 2 Hoes". Now we don't live in a conservative community by any means but we knew the AAS committee was mostly, well...biddies. We hoped that we could pull one over on them but biddies ain't dumb so....no sign.

Fast forward to 2006 and the AAS committee has changed leadership. Since we are a big group, the committee decides to give us a large, prominent spot in a busy part of town. What better place for hoes to get dirty? We submit our name for the placard and while told the city counsel got quite a chuckle, they didn't feel "this Adopt A Spot maintained by 6 Hoes" represented our fair city correctly. So we water down the request to "6 Garden Gnomes" because their suggestion of "6 Garden Friends" sounded too boringly white bread. That was over a month ago and STILL NO SIGN. Garden nazis.

So we're planning our revenge: come fall, we're throwing a "Hoe Down" in our spot. Hope you can be there!

Ummm... did we forget something??

SO, I'm filling in my blogger profile and notice that under the INDUSTRY block there is NOTHING for medical, healthcare or fitness people. What, does nobody in these industries blog? Am I the first one to do so? I find that hard to believe. Himself recommended "consulting" since I do quite a bit of that but I'm thinking of changing it to fashion because I'm so damn fabulous. Just a thought.

testing...testing

OK so I'm dipping my toe in and testing the Blog waters.....better late than never!